CNBC Make It | Jody Michael | Aug 17, 2022

In my 25-plus years of research as a psychologist, I’ve found that there are five main mental muscles that all work together to help us increase our emotional intelligence, respond to situations with more resilience, build stronger interpersonal relationships, and thrive in all parts of life.

While a good amount of successful people have already mastered these muscles, most people aren’t there yet

1. Accountability

You’d be surprised at how many people incorrectly think they’ve already mastered this one. Personal accountability doesn’t have to do with everyday actions like showing up for work or taking your kids to baseball practice on time.

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• You stop blaming other people and circumstances for how you feel or for what has happened.
• You fully own your part in your results, even while recognizing other potential contributors to what has unfolded.
• You own exactly what’s yours and you hold others to owning what’s theirs.

2. Helpful beliefs

Most of us think that our beliefs are truths. But they are actually a set of assumptions, which means that we can experiment with them. We can probe them, challenge them and try to think of new ones.  Here are some helpful lenses to adopt:

• Collaborative lens: This is the “I win when you win” approach. Maybe everyone doesn’t get everything they want, but they all walk away feeling heard and included.
• Possibility lens: This lens allows you to take a step back and temporarily set aside all perceived obstacles, problems or doubts in order to give yourself the freedom to imagine an ideal outcome.
• Opportunity lens: Even in times of conflict, you can ask yourself, “How can I find an opportunity in whatever situation I face?”

3. Self-assessment

Can you accurately self-assess your internal state?

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This is the running commentary in your head, the moods and emotions you feel, and the physical sensations you have, like a knot in your stomach.  Let’s say you’re in a really bad mood. That’s vague. But if you have strong self-assessment muscles, you can say that you’re experiencing a combination of disappointment, anger and anxiety and a pounding headache.  The goal is to get better at managing and regulating your emotions and responses to triggers.

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